Thursday, January 06, 2005

back from holiday and wanting to detail the second half of the story but it feels impossible because i am starting to feel less like a human and more like a book, or a mediocre night time soap opera, multiple dramas and occasional comedies, composed entirely of fragmented plots and sub plots. each of the main characters is me, but each a different version, as if i fed myself through a kaleidoscope and ended up with an ensemble cast instead of a one woman show.

if you ask Sunny, or Sunny Bunnie as i like to call her, she will tell you Paris was faaaahhbulous...it's Paris right? how can it not be great? she is the dutiful daughter and the good wife who wouldn't say boo to a goose and is far more concerned with everyone else's feelings rather than her own. she will tell you about how she saw the Lenore Fini exhibit and so had the privilege of seeing some of her favorite paintings up close and in person. there were long walks through the city taking photos and marveling at the architecture, in addition to a trip to the mini city of the dead, Pere Lachaise. christmas eve dinner was spent in the apartment of a close friend of the family who cooked a 10 course meal for 17 people without even blinking. three separate wines were served, each chosen to perfectly complement the course and there were so many different dishes offered even the host forgot to put a few of them out. her husband surprised her with french knickers and perfume for christmas and she was thrilled! it was a lovely holiday.

Party Dress and Miss Prim are identical twin sisters. Party Dress makes her entry appearance while getting ready for an evening out. she is confident and polished, listens well to whatever anyone is saying and always asks relevant questions to follow up. she can be spirited when the need arises and keeps a purse full of entertaining anecdotes to pull out whenever conversations begin to lag, as well as a tiny bottle of perfume called Ego she can dab behind her ears whenever an extra boost of confidence is needed. her power resides in the image of being pulled together and unflappable so she works hard to make sure no one sees her the next morning when the dress is wrinkled, the make-up smeared, and the hair flying out of place.

her twin Miss Prim looks nearly identical on the surface but is in reality the frostier of the two. Miss Prim likes a place for everything and everything in it's place, that includes people. she has a certain set of standards she applies to everything and lord help anything or anyone that doesn't measure up. she listens just as well as her twin sister, but for entirely different reasons, she is waiting for the cracks, the inevitable weaknesses that are revealed and she is filing them away for later. no one would suspect but her matching purse contains a coiled whip and a pair of leather gloves.

next there is Violet...violent Violet, only she is only ever violent towards herself. they say depression is anger turned inward, and Violet has taken that perspective to heart. so preoccupied with her own misery she doesn't notice when she says things that are insensitive to other people, or worse, she doesn't care. at turns she can be despairing, depressed, rigid, and oblivious. to her, even though every single night is filled with nightmares, blood curdling white knuckle nightmares, everyday that she wakes up is a failure. Violet looks small but she is surprisingly strong, and will often sneak up on one of the other girls and knock her out of place. twice at christmas dinner she forced them to get up from the table and sneak to the bathroom to cry. the other girls try to dress her up, or hide her from sight so as not to be embarrassed, after all they know other people do not want to be around such naked emotion (especially at christmas dinner) but they know it isn't her fault really, she is chained to the Beast...

the Beast is the lowest, the blackest, the most vile, it isn't male or female or even anything resembling human. it taps into great limitless wells of darkness, rage, and insecurity, and tries to spread it to everything it touches. the Beast has a gift for words and it always has plenty to say. it tells Sunny that no matter how hard she tries to be good, she will never be good enough, and it tells the twins that they are phonies, it knows that underneath those perfect cashmere sweaters are chubby, sweaty, awkward girls playing dress up in grown-up clothes. it doesn't even need to say much to Violet anymore, they are on such intimate terms, but it does anyway hoping to one day drive her over the edge, "what are you still doing here? don't you know its hopeless? the world is never going to change, everything is doomed, and you are a tedious fucking cunt. why don't you just kill yourself already and take those other bitches with you? do us all a favor huh?". it's no wonder she hates herself so much, and it could all easily come to an end if it weren't for the Other.

where the Beast is darkness the Other is light. composed of infinite compassion it eases the pain of everyday life. it knows that in a sense it is all meaningless, these petty human dramas that play themselves out over and over, but where the Beast would argue hopelessness the Other doesn't believe that it is a cause for sadness. it patiently waits for us to wake up and see that we are all connected, none of us separate and alone, and so to harm another is only to harm ourselves. it sits on top of a mountain, bathed in radiant bliss holding the hand of god, welcoming the girls to come and sit. some days it seems like such a short walk to get there and others a journey of a thousand miles.



posted by Ms_Bunnie 4:21 AM
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