Saturday, October 23, 2004
i am on my way out west to meet my family but will be back by november 1st...i have limited internet access while i am there, so i wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has written to me with their kind words. they have been a huge comfort to me and i will be writing you all back personally as soon as i return home. thank you again...
posted by Ms_Bunnie 6:32 AM
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Monday, October 18, 2004
last week i had a dream i was on a barge floating down a wide, still watered river. i stood on the bow feeling completely relaxed and at peace, absorbed in appreciating the tranquil scenery surrounding me. i saw a bridge in the distance, and at first nothing seemed amiss, but then i looked closer and i could see the middle of the bridge had dropped out completely and there was a massive gap. on the left side of the bank there was an old fashioned circus caravan with ornate horse drawn cages holding exotic animals and a herd of elephants nose to tail leading them. i didn't notice them at first, until i saw the first elephant fall. it made a desperate leap to the other side, but its legs fell short, brushed the edge of the jagged concrete and it dropped into the suddenly sweeping rapids. somehow the other elephants behind him didn't notice or were for some reason unable to stop themselves, and they all plunged off the edge, desperate and screaming. the horses followed, dragging the cages behind them and i watched as they all clamored to keep their heads above water but they were trapped by the weight of the cages they carried and were slowly dragged under the surface. the animals in the cages, tigers, lions, and other beautiful creatures, could do nothing as their cages filled with water and sunk. i could see them all pressing their noses to the surface gasping for air as the inevitable force pulled them below, i could feel their fear as i clutched the rail until my knuckles turned white. i lost control and started shrieking, noises emanated up from my guts and out of my mouth, sounds i had never heard before and i didn't know where they were coming from. i clawed at my face and hair in the reflection of their terror. i felt so powerless and was furious with my impotence, but really all i could hear was the rushing of blood through my head, my heart beating through my ears and the faint echo of the visceral noises coming up from my guts and released by my throat.
most every night my dreams are permeated with this kind of violence and tension, i'm used to it, but i mention this one because it specifically mirrors how i feel right now. my grandfather, easily the most remarkable person i have ever had the privilege to meet, died today. it wasn't sudden, a surprise, or even remotely unexpected, but still i find myself completely unprepared. the blood thunders in my ears as it did that night a week ago and i find myself unable to find the right words to express my emotions. it's like my brain has shot out of my body, leaving a barren shell behind, my face has become a porcelain mask, the back of my head blown out with nothing but light pouring through. despite all appearances, i am not really here.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 6:01 AM
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