Saturday, April 10, 2004
ok so i havent posted in a few days...technically i am still on vacation. i say technically because that word has no real meaning to my vocabulary, all it means is i am taking a break from working on one thing (this site) to work on something else. i would love to take a real 2 weeks at some point in my life and just jet off to some resort or something...somewhere with no internet access and no cell phones...i would probably freak out for the first few days and then never want to go home ever.
anyway, until i have something interesting and/or relevent to say why don't you go click this link. an annoying game for people who think they are smart, it sucked up a good few hours of my life...
www.albartus.com/motas/
ok, now that i have left something to occupy yourselves with i am off to the city for a date with the mister...
posted by Ms_Bunnie 9:07 AM
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Monday, April 05, 2004
i didnt realize until i logged on today that it is the 10 year marker of kurt cobains death, naturally aol has to attach a stupid poll about wether or not he was a genius...58% said yes, i was honestly surpried he ranked even that high considering the crowd. the poll was, as always, linked to a message board.
aol message boards are the bane of my existence, i am irresistably attracted to them even though i know i will leave them infuriated and doubting the worth of human beings in general, today was no exception. todays posts fell into one of two categories, ones that say kurt was a whiny drug addict loser who got what he deserved and other blaming courtney for killing him. to the critics who blame him i say:
people, please, have some compassion. does taking such a hard line benefit anyone, including yourself? its not like drawing these rigid little conclusions can protect you from anything, especially pain. we can say, "oh he was so talented, he was rich, he was famous, what was so rough about his life?", but what do any of us know? sometimes the things you think you want the most are actually the things you need the least. as everything on the outside grows brighter the things on the inside grow exponentially darker, add drugs that can simultaneously alleviate and exacerbate the situation and who knows what can happen from there.
i know, first hand. i wont bore you with the details but suffice it to say i have deep sympathy for mr cobain. its almost amazing how easy it is to slip into these spiraling thought patterns. you are literally not thinking straight, and yet with each passing thought you become more certain you are seeing things clearly for the first time. you know you are really fucked when the idea doesnt even scare you anymore, you are beyond fucked when not only does it not frighten you, but it seems like a relief.
today actually marks the 10 year anneversary of another death for me. philly dave, also known as frankenberry was a kid from (where else?) philadelphia who broke out in the nyc rave scene in 93. he was just sweet as pie when we first all met him but that was before he turned into an overnight extacy kinpin. i caught him on the tail end of his sweetness, dated him for a few months and so had the vantage of watching him sour. i am not even really sure what happened...i remember us having a lot of fun, he had just started dealing e's an we were going to parties all over the east coast, then he started to change. he became very sucessful in his chosen field and it seemed the more moeny he made the meaner he got. one afternoon stands out in my mind...i was fishing behind my couch cushions looking for change to eat that day (i was a very very poor student at the time) and he comes trotting up my stairs with a big bag of mc donalds from downstairs (this was before realized how evil they were and was just obsessed with fries). so he sees me and what i am doing and he asks me so i tell him and says "oh" and sits down and EATS ALL THE FOOD, right in front of me. i am talking like 6 cheeseburgers and a couple of large fries. and he is sitting there, looking at me, and i just KNOW if i ask for a single crumb he is going to go all batshit and say i am only dating him for his money and drugs and yada yada blah blah.
like i would fuck this guy for extacy and fries. please.
so that was what you might call a relationship defining moment for me right there. i tookit as a personal challenge and we spent the next couple of months embroiled in some pretty fucked up power games. when all was said and done he was left out in the cold and i was stuck with a lesbian for a year, but thats another story, this one is about him.
we didnt speak for a year after our last fight. i kept tabs on him though, i knew he was hurtling forward at a rapid pace, his appetites voracous. he consumed more than anyone i had ever met, food, sex, drugs, money...everything, anything. he would think nothing of popping 18 e's and topping it off with some coke, k, rohypinol and a bottle of diet pepsi. did i mention he was a diabetic? not healthy...so one night at 5 am he comes up to me, so high his eyes were rolling back in his head, jaws chattering he says, "bunnie, i am sooo sorry about this last year, we were so fucked to each other and i dont want to fight anymore, we were friends before anything and i want to be friends again". i was surprised, i was moved, i agreed. we hugged and we parted. i went home and four hours later i got the call that he was dead.
when i went home, he went to an afterhours in an apartment on the lower east side. all i know is this, he went into a bathroom with freeze (the same one that later helped kill angel melendez) and when he came out he sat down and slowly aspirated on his own vomit. i know this because jenny told me she sat there and watched him die, too fucked up in her heroin/k hole to help. his diabetes needles were missing and by the time an ambulence arrived so was the ten thousand dollars that he had in his bag from his evenings sales. its fair to say i have my suspicions.
i hope he can hear me thinking about him, so he knows he wasnt forgotten, i think that is what he worried about most. it was almost like he always knew he was going to die young and so worked that much harder to leave an impression. mission accomplished philly because i am never going to forget. you really pissed me off on the regular, but i cared about you anyway.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 5:13 PM
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