Saturday, September 27, 2003
ok, so for like most of my whole life i have done this really wierd thing. i get up and sleep walk to the kitchen and eat. i cant help it and half the time i am really not aware that i am even doing it. apparently its and actual sleep disorder of some kind that 2% of the population (mostly women) experience. when i was younger i used to just eat any old thing i could get my hands on, which is actually how i first discovered this activity because i inadvertantly bit into a dried jalepeno pepper one evening and woke myself up. i suddenly understood why i always woke up with cookie crumbs and etc stuck to my face every morning.
over the years i have managed to refine my sleep eating process and now it seems to focus soley on ice creme. i get up 3 to 5 times a night and just eat ice creme. as you might imagine this doesnt do much for the figure so this week i resorted to drastic measures...i had a padlock put on my freezer. why not just not buy ice creme you ask? because it isnt even mine in the first place. i make it a point not to put temptation in my path (or my freezer) but my boss is an ice creme junkie and has about 8 pints in at any time. its just too much to resist....lets see if this new tactic works, or if i suddenly become adept at picking locks in my sleep too.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 8:32 AM
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Thursday, September 25, 2003
i am feeling a little better, not by design, but by necessity. it occured to me that depression can be a very self indulgent thing and the fact is i simply dont have time. i have too much work to do and i will just have to be depressed later. monday was rough, but it's lifting.
posted by Ms_Bunnie 6:57 PM
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Monday, September 22, 2003
from the age of 14 to 24 i suffered from a crippling depression, which at points was so severe i would just lay there and wish i was dead for weeks. there were long stretches of blackness that took a toll not only on me, but also on the people around me who cared about me. i tried every medication and saw literally dozens of therapists over the years, but nothing ever seemed to help. sometimes it felt like an entirely separate entity that would just come and crush me, and i was powerless to fight it and then miraculously when i reached my mid 20's it sort of phased out. there were occasional uprisings, but mostly i was OK, and after a couple of years, i actually felt happy.
happiness is something i never take for granted, but fears of that darkness returning are usually not close, which is why days like today are so awful. today it came back and i cant be certain how long it will stay.
it was something sort of simple that set me off, i have been over extending myself physically and emotionally, spreading myself a little too thin.
****sorry about this...this was a much longer entry that got spliced with another persons and the original content was lost. i was pretty pissed about it but what can you do. i dont remember most of what i wrote but basically it was about how in baghdad there was a tiger in the zoo and an american solider poked it and got his finger bit off and so his friend shot it for spite. that just killed me and i went ona huge tirade about how useless and disgusting human beings are. that is the basic jist anyway....*****
posted by Ms_Bunnie 5:12 PM
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Sunday, September 21, 2003
it is 3 am and i am ridiculously tired, i am also awake for a very umpleasent reason.
stinky found his favorite toy today. usually that might be a nice thing, but tonight he decided he wanted to play at 2:30 in the morning. i was not in the mood (i.e. sleeping) and took the toy and locked it in the cupboard over my head. i knew he was going to be annoyed but i did not aniticpate his level of anger till i felt him dig at the covers and i opened my eyes to him staring me full in the face. he was wearing an expression i have never seen before, determination tinged with distant concentration this was all very confusing till i put my hand down next to him and revealed a big puddle of hot cat piss.
oh dear god.
i flung my still dripping cat across the room and lifted the covers off the bed into a ball in one motion. please oh please oh please do not soak through to my brand new best sleep i have ever had in my life mattress.
mister L peeled back the covers to reveal it had indeed soaked through. so i spring into action, simultaneously scrubbing the spot with bleachy water and typing into google to find out what to do...but what do you even type in for a situation like that? i tried "cat pee in bed" and assorted versions and remarkably came up with something. most require special products i do not have at hand...the one good thing is that i found my bed warrenty and i am covered so it looks like it is all going to be ok. now i can rest easy, but the question is where?
posted by Ms_Bunnie 12:30 AM
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